Coming Soon

Have you noticed how celebrities or sports figures release little pieces of information about their upcoming “tell all” books or autobiographies? Before his book release Herschel Walker disclosed he has multiple personality disorder. Andre Agassi has just announced that he has done crystal meth in the past. People are now supposed to flock to the book stores to snatch up these books to see what more lurid details are hidden inside. Because, really, would we buy the books anyway if we didn’t think that there might be more juicy details inside? I wouldn’t. I’m still not going to buy them. But it is an interesting marketing device. One that I’m going to use to push my not soon to be released autobiography.

Where to start? So much has happened in my life that it would be a shame to just give you one or two teasers. Maybe just some of the highlights.

I was there on the grassy knoll on November 22. 1963 in Dallas, Texas. Don’t remember seeing a second shooter although I do recall a couple of dark suited men wearing sunglasses dragging away some guy dressed in cammo. Not sure what that was about.

I lost my virginity at Woodstock. After all, it was the time of peace and free love. I think the girl was a travel agent. She said we could go around the world for a hundred dollars but I told her I had to get back home.

I guess I should take the time to disclose the biggest secret of all. I’m not really a tennis player. Can’t stand the game actually. Everything that I’ve written about tennis in past columns was just fabrications, out and out lies, or the truth so greatly exaggerated that what actually happened may never be known. I’m an avid golfer. Golf, now there’s a real sport. Physically and mentally demanding, never knowing when that little white ball may decide to move right as you go to hit it. I don’t watch wrestling either. Never been to the Omni to see Dusty Rhodes, Abdullah the Butcher or any of the other stars of the NWA. My wife is actually the wrestling fan. She has hundreds of hours of wrestling videos to prove it.

I could tell you more but that would ruin the book. As it is right now, I’m going to sit by the phone and wait for a publisher to call. I’m expecting a big bonus up front. Let the good times roll.

I’ve Found Federer’s Weakness

It is apparent now after Juan Martin Del Potro’s victory over Roger Federer in the final of the U.S. Open what the fatal flaw is in Federer’s game. He can’t win a Major  six times in a row. He failed against Nadal last year in his attempt to win Wimbledon for the sixth time in a row and now he fails at the Open to win it for a sixth straight time. Nit picking, I know but I had to come up with something to justify the column’s title. Congratulations to both Del Potro and Kim Clijsters for their title victories. You would never believe that this was only Clijster’s  third tournament back the way she played. Special thanks goes out to Serena Williams. For years I have been writing that she has the least amount of class of anyone in tennis and there she was Saturday night proving my point in front of the world. I owe you one Serena.

SEE YA

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until I’m proven wrong. Andy Murray does not have what it takes to win a Major. Marin Cilic is the latest player to burst the Murray hype bubble. The only reason Murray has ascended to number two in the rankings is because of the injury to Nadal. Of course, the same could be said of Federer’s rise back to number one but Federer has 15 Majors to his name. Murray has a lot of promises and bluster and not much else. Before the Open began Murray was talking of winning the title and assuming the number one ranking by the end of the year. Now he will drop back to number three and provide us with more “wait til next year” promises.

Ugly Shoes.

Why are all the tennis shoes out there on the market now so ugly? Watched the match last night between Roddick and Gicquel, both their shoes were hideous. I went to a tennis store yesterday to buy some new shoes and finally had to settle for a pair that was the least obnoxious looking. I think I’m going to have to go back to spray painting my shoes the way I did in high school. Congratulations to Melanie Oudin for her upset of Dementieva at the Open.

Gonna Be A Great Day

What a day. Federer against Djokovic in the final of the Cincinnati Masters, Sharapova against Dementieva in the finals of the Rogers Cup and the Little League World Series. It’s good to see Nadal back in action in time for the U.S. Open. Now if if we could just get him to quick picking his butt before every serve and return.

We Need A New System

Enough about the debate as to who should be ranked number one in women’s tennis, we know who the top player is at the moment: Serena Williams. She’s won three out of the last four Majors. I don’t care if she has lost in the first round of every other tournament (she hasn’t), she should be ranked number one. In the past year alone two women have ascended to the number one ranking without having won a Major. Off the top of my head I can’t think of another sport where you can be considered number one without winning a championship. In football you have to win the Super Bowl. It’s nice to win the NFC Championship, ala the Cardinals, but if you lose the Super Bowl you’re still second best. In Baseball you have to win the World Series. In Hockey, the Stanley Cup. You get my drift. The ATP is not quite as bad. As far as I can remember only Marcelo Rios ascended to the number one spot without winning a Major and he is a complete affront to every other player who has ever held the number one spot. What to do about this mess? I’m not going to say. If the WTA wants to call me and pay me for my suggestions then I’ll talk. In this economy I can’t afford to give away my ideas for free.

The Debates Over

Let this past weekend’s British Open results put forever to rest the debate as to which is harder to win : a Major in golf or a Major in tennis? 59 year old Tom Watson was one eight foot putt away from winning the British Open. For the record, the last Major Tom Watson won was the US Open back in 1983. Who won the 1983 US Open in tennis? Jimmy Connors! Can you imagine if Jimmy Connors were to advance to the finals of this years US Open. This is in no way meant to take away from Tom Watson’s effort at the British Open. It is merely meant to show that it is a lot easier to hit a little white ball that is sitting still than a bigger yellow ball coming at you at 140 mph.

Oh No

Saw on ESPN last night that Andy Roddick is having to pull out of this weekend’s Davis Cup match against Croatia. Mardy Fish is going to have to pick up the slack.

What A Match

Congratulations to Roger Federer and Serena Williams for capturing the Gentleman’s and Ladie’s Championships at this year’s Wimbledon. Serena’s serve was too tough for older sister Venus this time (or maybe they do flip a coin to see who wins and this time it was Serena’s turn) and she ran away with the match after a close first set. Federer served 50 (count ‘em, 50) aces against Andy Roddick and finally won that marathon fifth set. If it was anybody other than Federer Roddick would have rolled over them in straight sets the way he was playing. He’s going to relive that high backhand volley in his nightmares for weeks to come. Let’s hope he shakes it off quickly though because he has Davis Cup coming up this weekend. Same goes for the Bryan Brothers who lost a tough four setter to Nestor and Zimonjic in the Men’s Doubles Final. For some reason they just don’t match up well against those two. Wish they could have showed more of the Women’s Doubles Final. They showed only the last set from 1 all but it was some pretty good stuff, especially Renee Stubbs’s between the legs volley off a Serena return. Now let’s see if the WTA can do something about their ranking system which somehow still has Dinara Safina at number one. Unbelievable.

Thank Goodness Our Andy Won

Congratulations Andy Roddick for ending the run of Andy Murray. For all the talk about SCOTLAND’S Murray you would have thought he had a string of Grand Slam success behind him instead of one lone run to last year’s US Open Final. Brad Gilbert was falling all over himself talking about how great Murray was playing. There was even talk of the Queen of England herself coming to Sunday’s final should Murray make it that far. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again now. I don’t think Murray has the guts or the heart to win a Major. He has all the game but something is missing elsewhere. Roddick played one of the best matches I’ve seen him play and all credit goes to him. Can he beat Federer in the final? I don’t think so but it should be a great match. Since I’ve been chastised for making no mention of the Williams sisters here it is. They play each other once more in the Ladies Final, a coin flip will determine the winner. They are in the finals of the doubles. When they play together (which is all too seldom) they are by far the best women’s doubles team out there. The Bryan boys are in the Men’s Doubles Final. Could it be an all American sweep? I think King Roger will keep that from happening.